Bitter Sweet

bitter sweet

He said we’ll stay here till the sunset. The breeze is warm, because of the job the hot sun is doing. The peaceful view here makes me forget about the hotness of the weather. We are watching the river flow while there are people around here to beat the heat. Some are sitting under the shade of the trees that are standing through the boundary of the dam area, some are taking a splash in the river, some are playing frisbee with the kids with them in the little open space there, some are just watching the river like we are. There is a not-an-awkward silence between us. He sitting quiet is a very rare occasion. The silence is just making things to settle in. I am now making assumptions about what he could be thinking about. Now that I am trying to think like an economist, I make assumptions about everything I come across. Though, because this is out of economics, there is an equal chance for all the assumptions to be false. I assumed a few things he could be thinking about like, about the fight we had recently or maybe about the project he is working on lately, or he might be thinking of taking a break from all the mess he feels he is in or so on. When I am out of options to assume, I ask him
“What are you thinking?”
“Nothing,” he says.
I go a little closer to him take his hand in mine and say,
“You know right, what would be my reply when you say that you are thinking nothing!”
“Ya Ya. Our brain is always thinking something or the other. Even for the millisecond, it is free, it is thinking something.”
“Yes. So tell me, what are you thinking?”
“I actually am thinking nothing.”
I nodded to agree with him that he is thinking nothing. I make an assumption that he is thinking about too many things at once that he only do not know what he is thinking about.

The dam was a silent place in the noon. With passing day, the calmness remained to the moving water. The birds started flying around in the sky, reminding me that the sunset is nearing. He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer while I rested my head on his shoulder.
“I am sorry… You know right I didn’t mean that.” I said. I had blamed him for something he wasn’t responsible at all while having lunch. I knew and even understood that he wasn’t to be blamed but when it is anger, frustration, and dissatisfaction, I cannot realize what am I thinking. The silence is now killing me and I assumed that maybe it is because of that conversation we had during lunch.
“I know you didn’t mean it. And I am not at all mad at you. That wasn’t in even at the back of my mind.” I felt a bit relieved.
“Accha tell me if that mountain had the ability to think, what would it be thinking right now?” I point my index finger at the calm and strong mountain at the other end of the river by which we were sitting while asking him. I like such conversations where we can imagine any story and build a conversation out of nowhere and leading to nowhere. Some pointless conversations that might give an insight into what we are thinking about. We have had such fun conversations many times earlier. And he never realized that I could make out what actually is going on in his mind from those conversations. I always told him it was magic ;).
“He might be thinking he is a bigger star than any of the famous stars on the planet because everyone coming here is clicking countless selfies with him.”
“Not only selfies, pictures too. Some even paint him. I must say he has a hell lot of patience.”
“Yeah. But if he notices us, his ego might get hurt.”
“Because we are not going to click a selfie with him?”
“Because we are not even going to paint him.”
“And he might not listen to the song we’d write and sing in the praise of him.”
“I wish, in your imagination, he had the ability to hear too.”
“Well, if he’d be able to hear, then he’d be able to speak too.”
“And if he’d be able to speak, looking at his build-up, he’d speak the truth.”
“And some truth is bitter.”
“The truth is a bitter one sweetheart. You know, I would never want to leave you alone. You can’t keep unintentionally blaming me for that. Accept it. I am not there in a body anymore. Let me go.” I could suddenly feel the weight of his arm around my shoulder lessening, and the weight of my heart increasing.

The breeze touching me was getting cooler now. The sun began to hide behind the mountain. I wish the sun wouldn’t set today. He’d stay with me a little longer. I have heard many people telling philosophically that forever is a myth. I realized that today.

His presence was the truth I couldn’t accept when he was there around me and his absence is the truth I am not able to accept when he is not there.

Picture source : https://www.instagram.com/vysh_t/

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Drawing silver lines!

silverline

He held my left hand in his and was tracing the lines on my palm with his fingers. He started drawing thick lines first and then the thinner lines. When his fingers started tracing the lines on my wrist, I felt a little awkward. I moved my hand from his hands to grab the beer bottle next to me. I think he understood that I wasn’t comfortable with he tracing those lines anymore. We were sitting on the wall guarding the beach. The soothing sounds of the waves were adding to the serene moment we were living. The evening sky was playing our favorite game of colours. We were talking about good and bad dreams we saw in sleep. I could see a gleam of happiness in his eyes when he was talking about the dream of the successful startup he always wished to start. He was so lost in the dream that he stopped drawing on my palm. He instead wrapped his hands around my palm. It was my turn to talk about a dream. He was so lost in his parallel world that he didn’t realize that I haven’t spoken a word since long. I didn’t bring him to reality to remind him that it was all just a dream. I liked this feeling. He holding my hand tight, and we sitting on the wall, watching the waves come and go, just like dreams, come and go. I had a feeling that he wasn’t telling everything he saw. Maybe he didn’t want to, so I didn’t ask what about the dream he wasn’t telling. We sat there for long. The moon’s reflection on the water was getting bigger. The last beer bottle was empty now. I removed my hand from his hands, held his face to kiss him. I couldn’t. I kissed his forehead instead and started walking on the rim of the wall. I didn’t look back because I didn’t want to have a sad memory of him. He stopped me holding my hand and said, “don’t want to know the part of the dream I didn’t say?” of course I wanted to know. But, it was late already. He doesn’t hold the same place in my life anymore. And I didn’t want to give him that place again. He knew, if he’d said the full story, I would stay back. And I knew, if I’d stay back, I would be repeating the same mistake again. So I just release my hand from his hold and tell, “all the best for your dream” and leave.

Pic Courtesy: Instagram account, @vysh_t

Mountain, Sunrise and Pastry

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This is a continuation of a write up posted earlier. If you haven’t read it yet here is the link to it  Mountain, Sunrise, and Pastry.
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Taran wanted to tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to live all his life with her. Yes, the concept of sharing whole life with one person was very much weird to him. But after meeting Aarzoo and spending time with her, he could spend all his life with her. He wanted to tell what exactly he felt for her. All he could do was just blow off the candle and cut the pastry as a gesture of accepting her proposal. Aarzoo was happy af. He had never seen her this happy. She was so excited that she got up and started dancing. With her, life was always like a festival. It was like celebrating each and every moment coming their way. Seeing her this happy, he felt like he could do anything to keep her smile that wide always. He didn’t realize when did she get back to third standard’s science classes teaching about echo in the mountains. She started screaming to the mountains, ‘He loves me too’. The echo sound coming back from the mountains was mesmerizing. He held her hand and she looked at him. He wanted to say a lot. Instead, he chose to bend on his knees holding her hand. He removes the chain he is wearing and pulls his mother’s ring in the chain. He sees confused and surprised and happiest looks on her face. Showing the simple yet beautiful ring to her and asks,
“Ms Aarzoo, will you be my Mrs Aarzoo?”
She was shocked was an understatement. She didn’t expect him to ask it right away. She was still digesting the fact that he had asked her out for marriage, he said
“Please wear this ring soon. My knees are paining already”.
“Of course yes, silly”
She said and wears the ring. The ring didn’t fit her ring finger, so he makes her wear it on her little finger. That ring was very special for him as it used to be his mother’s favorite ring. He could never ask her why was that her favorite ring. He suddenly missed his mom.
“I thought your knees were paining” Aarzoo brought him back to present and he stands up. He just hugged her. He had heard and read many times that when you hug a person you love, you subconsciously close your eyes while hugging them. He felt that folklore for the first time in his life. He could feel that happiness too.  All his insecurities about relationships just vanished. Everything just seemed beautiful around them. The rising sun, mountains and of course the pastry. He pulls her out of his embrace. He holds her face and tells
“I love you Aarzoo… very much. Thank you for coming into my life and making the world a better place to stay in”.
He pulls her into his embrace again. Hugs her like hugging his life.
“I love you too Taran” he heard her say.

I love you too Taran.

This voice was ringing in his head. The voice in his head takes him to another flashback, to the time when he heard her say it, for the last time, to the time when he saw her beautiful smile, for the last time. It was when they were preparing to welcome their child into their world. She looked calm even with the labor pain. She was being taken to the labor room. She was in pain and still, she managed to smile to tell him that she loved him too. Inside there, the doctors took little extra time to realize that she wouldn’t be able to take that pain anymore. She couldn’t even kiss her child. One way came in their beautiful daughter and the other way she left them, left him alone with their daughter.

I love you too Taran. He heard this voice in his head again. A little faintly.

“Dad” their twenty-three-year-old daughter’s voice brought him out of the flashbacks.
“Yes, sweetheart”
“No wonder why mom chose this place for that special memory. This is beautiful. Can I rob this beauty to share with someone as special?”

 

Picture courtesy: clicked by me.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the dispirin

‘I love you’ she said. Of course I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. I wanted to tell her that I loved her too. But, she was drunk. She wouldn’t remember a word I would tell her now. I wanted to hug her, hold her tight in my arms make her feel safe and warm. But, she was drunk. She wouldn’t remember the feeling. I wanted to kiss her and remind her how special she is, for me. But, she was drunk. She wouldn’t remember our first kiss. I carried her to her bed to put her to sleep and pulled the blanket on the rim of her bed over her. She hugged her doll on the other end of the bed and held my hand tight and was talking words only I could understand. I have heard her talk in sleep, in drunk state, in insane phase, in vulnerable phase. She was repeating ‘I love you. I want to spend all my life with you’. She held my hand tighter and didn’t let me go. I sat next to her on her bed, waiting for her to fall asleep. She kept talking some silly funny things and started laughing in drunk state. She fell asleep with the fading laughter. She looked even more beautiful in sleep. I could watch her sleep all night. Even in sleep she didn’t leave my hand. I somehow removed my hand from her hold without waking her. Then adjusted the blanket properly so that she wouldn’t feel cold at night and lose sleep. Then went to the kitchen to bring a glass of water and a dispirin and kept them on the table next to her bed with a note “just in case you have a headache”. Her hangover after beer is very bad. She would need it. Kissing her on her forehead I left the room, waiting for her to wake up, with a hope that she remembers what she said tonight.

In the morning after I was done with my morning chores I called her on the landline to check whether she was awake or not. She never receives a call on mobile phone when she is asleep. Her fresh-morning-filled-with-little-sleep voice made my morning. She thanked for the dispirin.

Love be so complicated!

I wanted to call his parents and show my anger at them for not understanding him. I wanted to shout at his parents for not seeing what a beautiful human being they have grown. I wanted to show them that he could be much better person than they are expecting him to be. I couldn’t call. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t even do the same with my parents when they didn’t understand me or expect just poles apart persona that I was. I just couldn’t.

I wanted to kidnap him then. Ask his parents no ransom. They might even get used to live without complaining about him. I wanted to take him to the place where he always wanted to be. To the mountains. To the rivers. To the seas. I couldn’t take him. I couldn’t let him run away. I couldn’t let him not face it. I didn’t run away. I tried to face their not understanding me.

I wanted to just slap that girl who made him feel that he was good for nothing. I wanted to make her confess that she was cheating on him and she didn’t want to take all the blame of the breakup. No one has the right to break some one’s confidence. I just wanted to make him feel better. I wanted to remind him how wonderful person he is. I couldn’t call her. I couldn’t spoon feed him the crystal clear truth that he couldn’t see. I couldn’t see me being cheated. I too was once love blind. I learnt to stand up strong again. I had to let him fall.

But then next moment a thought came to me, would he ever feel to do what I felt to? Would he ever do it? I don’t know. I don’t know if he would ever be there to hold me up. I fu*king don’t know if I would ever let him do it. Do anything for me. And again the thought is, if he actually wants to do it, he will do it any how, my allowance wouldn’t be a factor at all.

Pic : clicked by me

Mountain, Sunrise and Pastry

“How much more to climb? Can we rest a bit?”

“A little more only. You see that peak?” showing a mountain top roughly she said.

“That top most? Dude, that’s too far. I am tired. I am not walking anymore”

“We don’t have to go there babba. It is just five minutes climb now. Come. We might miss the sunrise.”

“We will be able to see it from here also na…”

“That is more beautiful. And you are a fan of beauty. Right? Now come on.”

“If it is a seven minute climb, I will kill you Aarzoo”

“Well, whether you’ll be charged with my murder or not you will know that in next five minutes… come on!”

“I hope it is worth the sleep I didn’t take to come here!”

“Just keep walking and find out yourself ;)”

“And who texts at 12 in the night to be ready at four? When do I sleep?”

“Shhhhh… it will be time. Talk less or you’ll be tired when you are supposed to enjoy!”

“Okay ma’am”

She was climbing like it was her daily walk. He followed her. He didn’t miss out to notice on how she was there to support him on some difficult part of the mountain, as she knew that he had never been on a trek before. And this one was like an easy start for him. Just that he didn’t know about the trek in advance that he could mentally prepare himself for a trek. After this he felt glad that she texted him at late night and didn’t give him time to prepare himself. This wasn’t any exam that he had to prepare for. In next three minutes, they reached the spot where she wanted to take him. It was indeed a beautiful sight. Mountains all the sides, the stream of water escaping and finding a way from the middle of the mountains that stood opposite them. The monsoon had made it more beautiful. It was a beautiful dawn. Just mesmerising. Now he understood why she was asking him to talk less. This was the most beautiful sight he had seen in real. Birds flying, their songs, blooming flowers, changing colours of the sky and the smell of earth. The deep breaths he was taking to live the smell fully was a stress booster for him. The sun was still behind the mountains and it wasn’t bright yet. He suddenly realized he didn’t hear anything from Aarzoo since last five minutes. He got busy with the beauty. As she said earlier, he was a fan of beauty.

“Aarzoo… this is beautiful”

“Told ya.”

“It is worth more than the sleep I missed. Thank you for bringing me here”

“You’re welcome.”

“Come let’s sit here and see the sun rising.”

On the top of the mountain, they were sitting talking about anything and everything. Suddenly Aarzoo took out a box of Taran’s favourite pastry, and puts a candle on it and lights it.

“Woah. Aarzoo, my fav pastry… You are giving me surprise on surprise. First the midnight call, then trek, then this sight and now this pastry… are you making it up for my birthday you had missed last month?”

“No silly. Actually, I want to tell you something. Actually a lot”

“What is it…? You are making me nervous”

“Oh god… now you are making me nervous…”

“Okay okay… shoot up”

“Taran… I love you. And I want to spend all my life with you. I want to make my life interesting while making your life more interesting. I want to travel every possible beautiful place with you. I want to cook all cuisines with you. I want to taste life with you. I want to live every possible dream with you. I want to walk through the woods, wave a bye to sun in the sunset by the beach, want to welcome the sun on the hill top during the sunrise, I want to fly like a bird, all with you. I want you by my side every moment of my life. You have become that strength of mine that never lets myself down. I want to live my life with you. And I know that may not be possible. You may not want the same things from life. Your definition of life, of spending life together may be much different. This may be too much to ask for too. The moment I figured out my definition of life and living life together, I came here to define it. I didn’t want to take long by first knowing your definition and then redefine mine. I didn’t want to change my definition nor do I want you to change yours. If your definition of life matches with mine, blow the candle on the pastry and cut it with the knife to celebrate our togetherness and if not, pick up the candle and put it aside. We are enjoying this pastry what ever your response be.”

Pic courtesy : Google

(To be continued…)

The question he could never ask her!

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He thought he was late. The not-so-busy restaurant looked busy today. He thanked himself for booking a table in advance. He didn’t see her anywhere in the restaurant and sighed with relief that he wasn’t too late. Beautiful garden on the fifteenth floor of the building was lively with the restaurant diners and wonderful musicians.  The clear sky full of stars added to the beauty of the pleasant evening. The waiter showed him their table by the parapet. He had specifically asked for that table. He liked watching things from heights. The waiter poured the wine in the glass in front of him for him to kill time till she comes and disappeared behind the door. He was waiting for the moon of his life. He then started checking and rechecking of everything he had planned for. Her favourite cuisine has been ordered, he has worn her favourite shirt, her favourite flowers, music, everything. Though the restaurant was his favourite. She didn’t like such fancy and plush restaurants to dine in. But, today was something special that her dislike of big restaurants didn’t bother him. His second glass too is finished. She still hadn’t arrived. He didn’t want to call her and make her hurry. He wanted her to be perfect too. She doesn’t know what the specialty of today’s dinner is. All she knows is he has thrown a party for his friends and loved ones for the success of his travel show. He is desperate to see her reaction when she gets to know that it is only she who was invited for the party.

*ten hours ago*

It is ten in morning and he is sitting in her house. He made sure that she has reached her office and then he went to her house to meet her father. Before he asked her, he wanted to ask her family. Before this, it was very easy for him to converse with her family. Not that he met them very frequently, whenever he did, it was fun for him. But. Today. It was all different for him. He felt like he had returned to his college days where he went for an interview on campus. Three interviewers sitting in front of him and judging him and making assumptions on the basis of his every move and every word he spoke. Unlike his on-campus interview, here the panel didn’t knew that they were being asked to gather here to interview him. He waited for them to stop asking questions to each other about what’s going and started.

“Uncle, I love your daughter. And I want to spend the rest of my life hanging out with her. And if she says yes, I want to marry her. You know me since I know her. Her happiness is my happiness, so the question whether or not I would keep her happy after marriage doesn’t arise. Before I ask her, I wanted to ask for your permission.” He stood up and pulled out the solitaire ring box in his pocket and knelt on his left knee showing the ring to her dad.
“Can I marry your daughter, Sir?”

He saw them all smiling and felt that they all were glad about it. Her father didn’t speak for a while. He was losing his balance in this position.
“Sir, please say something. I am losing my balance. I…” they all started laughing then. He got up to sit on the chair back.
“Wait, I didn’t ask you to get up” her father said suddenly like a strict teacher. He got scared and sat again in the same position. He wasn’t this nervous when he was going to jump from that tall cliff, or living a night in a jungle for the first time. Her brother who was sitting silent till now got up laughing and went to him and hugged him.
“I was wondering what took you so long to come up for this!” her brother said while hugging him. “Don’t be so nervous dude. We are family now!”

“Welcome to the family” her father said. Saying that he was happy was an understatement.
“But…” her father’s voice brought him to reality “I have a condition!”
“She will live her life the way she wants, I wouldn’t be the reason behind any tears, her happiness is mine, her problems are mine, my happiness is hers, my problems are hers, she will accompany me on my travel tours, I will make sure that she never gets bored of her life, she will never….”
“Stop…!” her father didn’t allow him to complete. “Listen to my condition first!”
“Sorry sir.”
“She has to say yes whenever you plan to ask her.”
“Oh.” He got confused. He wanted to know what would be her probable answer. “What do you think… will she say no? I plan to ask her today evening itself.”
“NO!”

*present*

It was half past eight and he got a bit worried about she being late. She was never late. He called her two to three times. She didn’t answer. He thought she might be driving. He waited patiently for her. Practising his lines with the guitar guy. He wanted it all to be perfect. He felt like he suddenly has got obsessive about perfections. It was quarter to nine. She still didn’t turn up. Now, he was losing his patience. His practise was out of his mind now. Just then his phone rang. It was her photo on the display. As he received the call, he didn’t allow her to speak.
“Where are you Aarzoo? What is making you so late?”
“Is this Taran?” with this reply he realized that it wasn’t she who was calling him. ‘But wait, why is someone else calling me from her phone?’

Pic courtesy :  http://www.arizonafoothillsmagazine.com/taste/restaurants-phoenix/phoenixs-most-romantic-restaurants

A Bird in the cage

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Bird’s coop by the window
Was making new chatter
The newborn’s cries
Changed the milieu
After waking her master in the dawn
Mother bird flew out
To meet her friends during the day
And returned to her baby by dark
Their owner gave them grains
To survive on.
Baby bird was growing fast.
One day she shared her desire
“I want to fly in the sky”
Mom replied, “My beautiful baby,
Why do you want to fly in the
Sky when you can see it from here?”
“I want to search my own food,
I don’t want to be dependent
On your master”
“Oh baby, this outside world is
Very cruel. You wouldn’t enjoy
Being there. You fly in our cage”
And she ended the conversation.
Baby bird couldn’t tell her mother
How she didn’t like the way
Cage owner and his friends
Played with her, bullied her,
In the ways she didn’t like
When mother was away.
Baby bird did fly out once.
She had to return thinking
Of her mother.
She wanted to fly out
and never return back
But, she wanted her mother to allow her to go
The cage owner didn’t stop, and
Mother didn’t understand her quest.
One fine day, the master sold
The baby bird to don’t know who.
Mother bird couldn’t do anything
To keep her baby with her.
Mother always thought the world
Was cruel for her baby bird.
But she didn’t know
Their cage wasn’t
Compassionate or merciful.

#childabuse and #sexualabuse in home

Pic courtesy :  pinterest

Taming the Tyre!

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For him Mondays were love.
Not because he didn’t like the Sundays
Filled with fun, games and friends.
Not because he didn’t like the Saturdays
Filled with zero period, cousins and mayhem.
Not because he didn’t like the weekdays
Filled with friends, homework and games.
For him Mondays were love.
Because he loved the game of numbers.
He loved the way he could play with numbers.
He loved the concept of simple interest.
He even lent his pocket money to a gambler
To practically understand the subject.
He loved that he could make so many chairs
From a sheet of wood just like a carpenter.
He loved maths – A game of numbers.
For him Mondays were love.
Monday has two lectures of his fav game.
Today, it was second class of his show;
Today, his fav class didn’t seem same.
His eyes wandered out of the window.
Something was different out of the window.
He saw the beautiful garden of his school;
He saw people working on the new building.
Off Course that new building looked beautiful
With sun glowing on the glittery glass!
Something by the building was more zestful.
He saw a child, few years younger to him,
Playing with a tyre and stick.
Child running behind the rolling tyre,
Holding a stick and hitting the tyre,
Ordering it to keep rolling till that fire.
This child running like a bird,
Kindled a desire to tame a tyre in him.
Interested to know how to tame the tyre
He decided to be friends with the child.
He wanted to run behind the tyre.
He wanted to run on roads like the child.
He wanted to run.
He wanted to just tame the tyre!
The child on the other hand,
Wanted friends of his own age.
Wanted to run in the garden.
Wanted to go to a school.
Wanted to wear a uniform, socks and shoes.
Wanted to learn to read and write.
He didn’t want to just tame the tyre!

Solace and soul

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He opened the door to find her standing there, crying. Her eyes were swollen, kajal spread all over her face telling him that she has been crying since long. He wanted to know what made her cry so bad. First, he wanted her to stop crying. Wait, why stop her from crying? He pulled her in his warm embrace to let her cry. She cried more then. He kept on asking her what went wrong but his voices went ignored. He felt like she couldn’t hear him. After some time, she just fell asleep in his arms. She didn’t speak a word. He just let her be. He wanted to wake her up and ask her what had happened. He let her sleep as she looked tired.

This reminded him of how he met her first time. He saw her first time at college. She was asleep in the always-boring-economics class. And he wondered how could one fall asleep in the economics class! The professor saw her sleeping in the class. Professor asked him to wake her up. The moment he shook her to wake her, she gave him a tight slap in half sleep for messing with her when she is asleep. And he slapped her back. Before they could start a pop-corn-eating fight, both of them were thrown out of the class. He got the first slap of his life from a girl that day. And that fight turned them from classmates to best of friends.

Today after about five years of that slap, he was just enjoying the bliss of having her asleep in his arms. He wondered how lucky her boyfriend was to have her, to deserve her. He never thought about love, but yes,whenever she was around he felt good. If that was enough to call it love, then yes he loved her. But then, she loved her boyfriend who she knew since childhood, to who she was getting married next month. According to him, they were an adorable couple. He used to envy her boyfriend many-a-times.

He wanted to know what had happened that she was crying. He was waiting for her to wake up. He was restless after seeing her like this. He had never seen her like this before. He heard her murmur in sleep. She was calling out his name. He was trying to wake her up. He tapped her cheeks, shook her, she wasn’t waking up. She was just talking in sleep. She was asking him that why did he leave her. She was crying in sleep too. Her ringing phone woke her up. He saw the keys of his home fall from her hands. She didn’t receive the call. He was asking her what had went wrong. He wanted to know when on earth did he leave her alone. She didn’t answer to him. He couldn’t touch her anymore. He couldn’t feel her wet tears. He couldn’t be seen or heard anymore. He didn’t realise that his soul didn’t have a body anymore.