He said we’ll stay here till the sunset. The breeze is warm, because of the job the hot sun is doing. The peaceful view here makes me forget about the hotness of the weather. We are watching the river flow while there are people around here to beat the heat. Some are sitting under the shade of the trees that are standing through the boundary of the dam area, some are taking a splash in the river, some are playing frisbee with the kids with them in the little open space there, some are just watching the river like we are. There is a not-an-awkward silence between us. He sitting quiet is a very rare occasion. The silence is just making things to settle in. I am now making assumptions about what he could be thinking about. Now that I am trying to think like an economist, I make assumptions about everything I come across. Though, because this is out of economics, there is an equal chance for all the assumptions to be false. I assumed a few things he could be thinking about like, about the fight we had recently or maybe about the project he is working on lately, or he might be thinking of taking a break from all the mess he feels he is in or so on. When I am out of options to assume, I ask him
“What are you thinking?”
“Nothing,” he says.
I go a little closer to him take his hand in mine and say,
“You know right, what would be my reply when you say that you are thinking nothing!”
“Ya Ya. Our brain is always thinking something or the other. Even for the millisecond, it is free, it is thinking something.”
“Yes. So tell me, what are you thinking?”
“I actually am thinking nothing.”
I nodded to agree with him that he is thinking nothing. I make an assumption that he is thinking about too many things at once that he only do not know what he is thinking about.
The dam was a silent place in the noon. With passing day, the calmness remained to the moving water. The birds started flying around in the sky, reminding me that the sunset is nearing. He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer while I rested my head on his shoulder.
“I am sorry… You know right I didn’t mean that.” I said. I had blamed him for something he wasn’t responsible at all while having lunch. I knew and even understood that he wasn’t to be blamed but when it is anger, frustration, and dissatisfaction, I cannot realize what am I thinking. The silence is now killing me and I assumed that maybe it is because of that conversation we had during lunch.
“I know you didn’t mean it. And I am not at all mad at you. That wasn’t in even at the back of my mind.” I felt a bit relieved.
“Accha tell me if that mountain had the ability to think, what would it be thinking right now?” I point my index finger at the calm and strong mountain at the other end of the river by which we were sitting while asking him. I like such conversations where we can imagine any story and build a conversation out of nowhere and leading to nowhere. Some pointless conversations that might give an insight into what we are thinking about. We have had such fun conversations many times earlier. And he never realized that I could make out what actually is going on in his mind from those conversations. I always told him it was magic ;).
“He might be thinking he is a bigger star than any of the famous stars on the planet because everyone coming here is clicking countless selfies with him.”
“Not only selfies, pictures too. Some even paint him. I must say he has a hell lot of patience.”
“Yeah. But if he notices us, his ego might get hurt.”
“Because we are not going to click a selfie with him?”
“Because we are not even going to paint him.”
“And he might not listen to the song we’d write and sing in the praise of him.”
“I wish, in your imagination, he had the ability to hear too.”
“Well, if he’d be able to hear, then he’d be able to speak too.”
“And if he’d be able to speak, looking at his build-up, he’d speak the truth.”
“And some truth is bitter.”
“The truth is a bitter one sweetheart. You know, I would never want to leave you alone. You can’t keep unintentionally blaming me for that. Accept it. I am not there in a body anymore. Let me go.” I could suddenly feel the weight of his arm around my shoulder lessening, and the weight of my heart increasing.
The breeze touching me was getting cooler now. The sun began to hide behind the mountain. I wish the sun wouldn’t set today. He’d stay with me a little longer. I have heard many people telling philosophically that forever is a myth. I realized that today.
His presence was the truth I couldn’t accept when he was there around me and his absence is the truth I am not able to accept when he is not there.
Picture source : https://www.instagram.com/vysh_t/